Ready to ride again

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© Jenn ShallveyI fell off the horse awhile back. Not a real horse, a metaphorical one.  It seems like my life just went down in a thumping crash and has not seemed the same since. Oh there are times when I try to get back on. But it also seems that I keep trying to get back on the wrong horse.

My problem is not getting back on. I am beginning to see that what is really challenging me is 1) wanting to get back on and 2) knowing the horse that is right for me.  In this state I keep talking myself out of trying or coming up with stories that explain my ever present earth bound motionless state.  

I can see in my mind the joy, freedom and excitement of being able to ride again. Oh, just even thinking about it excites me, maybe too much. For if I get too caught up in this fantasy I forget the reality of the situation. I am still standing here with no horse.

So first for me is to accept that I am stuck in this place of indecision and avoidance.  As wave after wave of offers, invitations and suggestions come my way I push them back. I stand here in full power, but the power of rejection, saying no and pretending it doesn’t matter. © Jenn Shallvey

But it does matter. It matters so much it hurts.  Why?

Because I am a damn good horse rider. When I am on the horse again I am in my flow, I can take on the world and do what I do well. Sitting here instead is just a waste and place of attrition. My skills go unused. My desire wanes. My confidence erodes. I lose all sense of my self as the person I actually can be. I no longer know what is possible. There is no touch with reality.

Instead I immerse myself in the reality of life off the horse. This is pretty mundane but I can see the joy in it. If I focus and pretend the horse is not there then I am ok.  I go about my day to day life, repeating over and over the same tasks. I feel sometimes like I go in circles and get nowhere.

Then I remember again that flying feeling of freedom I have experienced before on the horse. Oh how I long for that. Oh how I wish I could feel that uninhibited, partnership between me and my spirit. I want to fly again. I want to explore again. I want to go to places I have not been before. This is in me.

If I would just get on the horse again.

But then my head runs interference again.  Which horse?  Where do I find the horse anyway?  So many questions, so many distractions from a simple step by step approach.

There is no moral to the story here, simply an observation. It is a place I believe many of us are in. A fancier word might be transition, less fancier one funk.  Either way this place is a no go zone that you can only get out of yourself. No one can put you on the horse. No one can make you climb back up. They can bring you the stool, even suggest a horse. But it is really up to you isn’t it?

So here I am saying I am ready to ride but don’t know what horse to get on. At least I am now open to getting back on. 

The time to ride again is now.

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© Jenn Shallvey