A day of choices

© Jenn Shallvey

Today is like any other day. You wake up, you get dressed, you go about your business, you finish your day and you go back to sleep. It is like any other day. When you bring your day down to the most basic of functions, your day is the same every day. What might happen is you vary the ordinary activities of every day through either choice or response or reaction to the world around you.

Take, for example, a simple thing, like waking up. You set your alarm. You intend to get up at a certain time. But let's say by accident, you set the wrong time. Would you berate yourself for doing that? And then set your whole day up for a mistake causing you to have a bad day? What if it was not you who caused the problem? What if the electricity went out and your clock was not working or your phone was no charged when you were meant to wake up, therefore your alarm did not work. Each of those situations caused the same exact outcome. 

There is a response that is harmful to you and one that is supportive of you. The choice you make in how you respond will set your day up. For example, what if you missed your alarm and then your day went crazy because of that - you missed your meeting, you did not make an appointment, maybe you missed a trip somewhere. The thing is, is that there is a consequence that will be disruptive in your day. You can either blame yourself and get all down on yourself. Or you can shrug your shoulders in a way and say, ‘well, that's life, what will I do about this?’ Two completely different ways to look at the situation and respond. That is when it is you who caused the problem because of something you did, a mistake, and inadvertent accident or whatever.

When it is outside of your control then there is another aspect of it that might come in, which is interesting. You can also go down the same path of blame, choosing to focus on that as if it is the reason why you are where you are. Or again, you can shrug your shoulders and go, 'Oh, it's as it is so I'm going to have to make my day different today.' Your choice. When we actually have it out of our control, and it is bigger than us, it seems, or in appearances may be causing us to be in this situation, then our blame can become collective. When our blame becomes collective then we have a shared response, a shared choice in how we deal with a situation.

An example. Let's pretend there is a power outage. Because it usually is not just one dwelling - whether it is a unit, a house or a building, many can be affected in a small or even large area. It could be for a short time or a long time. One way might be to first go to your own reaction response, then check with others and see their reaction or response. Yet, you have more paths to take now. Let's go through them all.

You choose the blame one and you are angry and frustrated by it. Then you choose to respond in your day with a frustration. Or you do not worry about it and go with your flow.

Then let's say you talk to somebody and they are in their blame and frustration and they pass that back to you. And you being more influenced by that will say, 'Oh yeah, I should be angry too.' And so the next thing you are colluding in your anger with each other and your frustration. It becomes like an expanding force of, you could say, almost like you help build each other's up. So one plus one no longer equals two. Now it is one plus one equals three, or even exponential. You bring that and you expand that because you are colluding in your anger and your frustration.

Likewise, and this is much more positive, you could be happily going about your day and just saying to yourself, 'Well, this is what happened I'll just adjust myself and work around this.' Then you meet somebody else who does the same thing. You have a very positive, collaborative conversation about how you each chose to respond positively to that situation and how you each found ways to work around it and still get on with your day and adjust. What you have done is you also learned from another person how they did it and shared with them, how you did it. So you are building up the resilience muscle within each of you by affirming what each of you are going through by saying, 'Oh, that's how you handled it.'.

Now already the tone of judgement could be perceived in what I'm saying, but there isn't any. It is simply reflecting different choices and outcomes. Maybe the chance to share your frustration was necessary. Maybe that chance to exchange your frustration with another person, allowed you to almost hear yourself outside of yourself and go, 'Oh, it's actually not that big of a deal. What did I make such a big deal about it?' Also that person could show you that you are not alone. You also can experience these reactions. And so do not feel so bad about it.

The other possibilities are that you are different in your reactions and each other shows each other that. This time you are coming from the, ‘this is frustrating and I'm really angry’ response, but you are sharing with a person who is responding much more flexibly, adapting, and okay with it. Then it's another chance for you to work through your frustration with that person, holding this space, showing you another way. As they may be coming from that place in a supportive way you get a chance to shift your energy too. But they also can hold the space for you to hear and listen as well.

A last iteration of this scenario could be that you are the one who has the day that starts off in the wrong way that you intend for it to start off this way. You adapted became flexible, saw it with a view of ‘this is what it is, how do I respond to this?' I'll change what I'm doing and I'll be fine.' Then you encounter another person who is frustrated by it. You now are the example for them of, 'Hey, this is how you can shift. This is how you can get out of it.'.

All of these different possible responses, reactions, whatever you want to call them are okay. They are natural and human and working through what we go through. Where it becomes challenging is when it becomes destructive or harmful to somebody else or to others. So let's say you are in your frustration, anger about the change of your day and you did not plan it that way. You decide to vent your frustration and take it out on somebody. Then say that you took that anger and you kind of channel it into a reaction that had no basis. So it could be that you are on the phone with somebody and you yell at them and scream at them and tell them not so nice things. Or maybe you have an encounter in a place of business and you decide to behave differently than is appropriate around other people. That could be one situation. It is not healthy. It is in the long-term going to cause other challenges inside of you.

Looking at these scenarios, depending on how our day goes, we are presented all the time with a chance to readjust, recenter and regain a sense of balance, self-control, and self-awareness every moment of the day. You could even start off badly. Then at the end of the day, all is good, all is well. The narrative around these situations is that your story and your way is under your control. You are always the one who can choose that response, reflect on your response, adjust your response, learn from your response. Whether somebody else changes theirs is irrelevant. That is what is key here. That is what I'm sharing with you today simply to give you a little idea of what your day is teaching you and others every single day.